Not too long before we got married, friends of ours asked Michael to officiate their own ceremony. Since performing a wedding was on his bucket list, he jumped right on it. He found a site online where he could be ordained, signed up, printed out his certificate and ta da! He was official and ready to marry the lovely couple.
In addition to marrying folks, as a newly ordained minister with American Marriage Ministries, Michael is also able to perform baptisms and even funerals. But what’s really crazy to me, they say he can perform marriage counseling.
Yes, you read that right. Someone with no training in any type of counseling whatsoever can offer it to couples by going online and basically printing out a certificate.
“But I took a test!” Michael protested.
“Really. A test. How many questions were on this test?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Three. Three very important questions.”
“Did these questions have anything to do with what makes a good marriage, how to counsel people or even something about communication?” I asked.
“Um, noooo. They were just three very important questions.”
Right. So thanks to the online church of Crazy Marriage Ministries, now I’m stuck with a husband who thinks he can give marriage counseling. And not only that, he thinks he should be able to give it to me.
It’s become his new favorite game, in fact.
Don’t get me wrong, I was extremely proud the day he performed his first wedding. He put his heart into it and did such a great job. And I was proud again the second time, when he married other friends of ours. He’s amazing, my husband.
But this marriage counseling shtick has gotten a little ripe.
Michael is still having fun, though, of course. I knew I was in for it when I caught the mischievous gleam in his eye as he chastised me for not showing up in his office for any of the counseling appointments he’d ‘made’ for me.
“Looks like you don’t want to make this relationship great again,” Michael said, as he slowly shook his head.
“Enough with the Donald Trump stuff. That got old from you in January.”
“What?” he raised his hands. “I’m just trying to be helpful. I mean, we voted on this! I get to be in charge so I can make our relationship great again.”
“When did we vote on this exactly? Because I would never have voted for you to be in charge.”
“Well, that’s because you only get one vote, but I get two.”
“Why in the world do you get two votes?” I stupidly asked.
“Because I’m an ordained minister which means I’m a marriage expert, so I get two votes. Duh.”
“You aren’t a marriage expert! You printed out a piece of paper.”
“A piece of paper that says I can do marriage counseling,” he said, one side of his mouth rising in what I’m pretty sure was a poorly-hid smirk.
“Enough,” I clipped. “We’re all done with this. You don’t get two votes and you aren’t in charge.”
“See! You’re being really hateful and that’s why you need marriage counseling.”
“You. Are not. Giving me. Marriage. Counseling,” I said, poking his chest.
He opened his eyes wide, “But, honey, I just want to make our relationship…”
“Don’t say it!”
“Wow, she’s so hateful,” he said to the dog.
The Helicopter Bride 
LMBO! I can just hear this conversation in my head!
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I can actually see his face saying all this and actually hearing his voice with a bit of what seems to be the problem here attitude.
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Hmmmm….maybe I need to print out a piece of paper. My husband could use some training too. Maybe your husband can give me some tips on unruly patients.
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My office doors are always open.
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This narrative, more than any other thus far, illusrates how unruly and hateful my wife is to me. Here I am, lovingly offering up my professional skills to try to make our marriage great again, and all I get is verbal and physical abuse (“poking his chest…”).
Please pray for me.
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You still aren’t giving me counseling…
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The conversation played in my mind’s eye in a very vivid manner. Kudos to you for achieving that!
“You aren’t a marriage expert! You printed out a piece of paper.”
“A piece of paper that says I can do marriage counseling,” he said, one side of his mouth rising in what I’m pretty sure was a poorly-hid smirk.
–> That was my favorite part of the exchange esp. the term, “poorly hid smirk.” Hilarious!
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Thanks! He never really tries to hide his smirks 🙂
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“Someone with no training in any type of counseling whatsoever can offer it to couples by going online and basically printing out a certificate.” How is this even a thing?
Really enjoyed this. There was actual laughing out loud and, without knowing either of you, I can hear that conversation.
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Exactly! How is it a thing? To be fair, I think you still have to have a license, but my hubby doesn’t care about details like that.
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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You made me chuckle.The married couple’s banter is so real and so well described.
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Thanks! Our ridiculous conversations tend to imprint themselves on my mind 🙂
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Do I know you? You and your husband sound like a couple I know. This was hysterical (it was also written very well)!
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I don’t think so? But I’m sure there are lots of crazy couples like us 🙂
And thanks!
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So funny! The pacing, dialog, and tongue in cheek humor was spot on.
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Thanks!
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I need to know what the dog voted.
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Oh, I can guarantee the dog voted that I’m hateful. I like to hug and kiss him too much and he’s so over it.
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That’s another vote in my favor!
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I wouldn’t be too proud that a dog is voting for you…
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